1620: Italian pizza shop owner, Guido Brownzini, is exiled to America for tossing too large of pizzas. Brownzini’s single pie served all travelers aboard the Mayflower for the entire 66-day voyage. Upon arriving in present day Cape Cod, Brownzini teamed up with a wily ship hand with a penchant for beer named Liam O’Gruffys. They set out to provide the best pizza and beer in this new land.

1634: After a quick name change to sound less ethnic, Brown and Griffis established the first LazyMoon Pizza in Boston, a privately-owned, family-run business that would go on to play an integral role in shaping this great nation.

1776: Historical images show Brown and Griffis’ grandsons discussing final revisions to the Declaration of Independence with Adams, Jefferson and Hancock over a large Hawaiian pie.

‍1865: Robert E. Lee presents the fabled “Rosetta Slice” to Ulysses S. Grant, becoming the piece of pizza that helped end the Civil War.

1930: Labor unions gain power. Lazy Moon is forced to decimate its largely overworked, severely underpaid workforce, resulting in the start of the Great Depression.

1940: Pizza Hut and Domino’s decide to back the Axis Powers during WWII. Lazy Moon becomes official sponsor of the Allied troops. “Mussolini wouldn’t know a good pie if it bit him in the ass,” said Brown’s great-great-great-grandson, Steven.

1947: Fearing the spread of Communism would lead to free pizza across Asia and Europe, diehard American Capitalists Bernhard Brown and Evan Griffis encourage the U.S. government to begin an arms race with the Red Commie Threat, therefore beginning the Cold War.

1989: The opening of Lazy Moon Pizza in West Berlin incites a riot by famished East Berliners. West Berliners more than willing to share their large slices tear down the wall dividing the city, and begin what would become the largest pizza party in modern history.

1990: Riding high on the success of ending the Cold War and on the ample drugs of the 1980s, descendants Frank Brown and Steve Griffis decide to dive into the new decade by sinking the profits from all 500 Lazy Moon restaurants into a series of high-risk ventures, including Easy Cheese toothpaste and a single father nursing bra clothing line.

1998: After the impressive failures of these inventions and a six and eight year respective stint in drug rehab, Steve and Frank were left with just their Orlando Florida location of Lazy Moon. They decided to put their hair-brained investments and drug habits behind them and get back to work doing what their ancestors did—sling delicious pizza and serve frosty chilly willy bing bangs (beer). They vowed that their sons would one day take back over the global pizza market that the two families had dominated for almost four centuries.

2024: Today, the descendants of Guido Brownzini and Liam O’Gruffys, Tim Brown and Matt Griffis, still strive to achieve the goal set forth by their forefathers—Allow the customer to Eat, Drink and be Lazy.